Mediation After Separation or Divorce

Is the following situation familiar to you?

My parents have been divorced for 2 years. They still argue all the time. Or, they don’t talk at all. I hate it. It’s like they’re still married.

When I’m with my mother, she’ll say terrible things about my father. When I’m at my father’s, I can’t say a word about my mother. If I even say something to him like, ‘Mom said that she’ll pick me up at school on Friday,’ he gets furious.

They don’t get how much it hurts me. I just try not to make them mad. I just want to disappear sometimes, so that I won’t do anything to upset them, and so I won’t have to know how much they hate each other.

These parents would seem have a lot of anger and resentment. Their child is in pain – pain that the parents’ behavior is making worse..

The problem? While the couple is legally divorced (the judge signed the necessary papers), the couple still:

● hasn’t learned to communicate well (they “argue all the time,” or “don’t talk at all” ).

● isn’t able – or maybe just isn’t willing – to make the following and extremely important distinction: they are no longer husband and wife; but, they are still parents. BOTH of them remain parents to their child.

Each parent should support their child’s relationship with the other parent, or at least not undermine that relationship.

When Mom disparages Dad, she undermines their child’s relationship with her former spouse. She needs to better handle her anger. This might involve attending a support group or therapy.

Dad, by not allowing their child to talk – or even mention – the other parent, is undermining their child’s relationship with Mom. Dad is implying that there is something wrong or bad about Mom, so much so that the child shouldn’t even refer to her.

For these parents, the legal divorce is over, but they haven't dealt with their emotions. 

Is mediation a better alternative than returning to court? Contact me.

Helping parties to manage or resolve problems is not what courts do; it is not what they were ever intended to do. Since litigation is an adversarial process, one spouse is pitted against the other.

The court is able to give spouses a divorce decree, which ends the legal marriage, and makes the parties eligible to legally marry again. But in most cases, the court isn’t able do a thing to help the parties move on emotionally in a healthy way. On the contrary, after the divorce, many ex-spouses are angrier, more distrustful, depressed or fearful than at the beginning of the divorce.

Images courtesy of nuttakit and pat138241 at FreeDigital Photos.net

Wedding planning checklist:

● Choose the date, location, caterer, music, flowers, and photographer/videographer;

● Compile the guest list and send invitations;

● Find the perfect gown, get the tuxedo, decide on bridesmaids and the best man; and,

 ● Choose someone to officiate

● Decide on a honeymoon destination

● Marry the right person. Are we compatible???

Premarital Mediation

Getting married is one of the biggest decisions people make.

Shouldn't you discuss difficult questions as much as you do the food, flowers, or the music?

Talking Tough Topics Before the Big Day (Article)

Stephen and Natalie (not their real names) are engaged to be married. They have been dating for over a year, enjoy the same music, both like sports, and have many of the same views about politics. Each has met the other’s parents, and the families have met and like each other.

Natalie and Stephen are obviously in love, and are looking forward to spending their lives together. From what they had initially shared with the mediator, there were no problems looming.

But, there were many important questions, such as about money and having children, that they hadn’t seriously discussed with each other – until coming to mediation.

Many couples don’t have these serious conversations before marriage. Why not? Some partners assume that, because they’re getting along, they must agree on all the issues that matter to them. Others don’t give the future much thought. There are also “avoiders” who fear conflict.

Natalie and Stephen, as happy as they were, sensed that a lot had been left unsaid between them. Now knowing how to proceed on their own, they decided to try a ‘premarital mediation’ session.

As in a divorce, a mediator can work with couples before marriage. S/he can:

● help each partner to talk about what s/he wants and needs;

● help them have a constructive conversation, even when tensions rise;

● guide the discussion so that hidden differences come to light; and,

● assist the couple in addressing any issues.

In a premarital session with a young couple, a discussion about children might follow questions such as: Do you want kids? How many? When? Do you imagine one of you staying home with them (and would you be able to afford to)? Is the home you’ll be living in to start with big enough? What have you discussed about religion and raising children? Private school or public? And many more, each a potential springboard to significant issues.

Stephen and Natalie learned, among other things, that there are differences in how they view and feel about money. “Our talking here was revealing,” Stephen said after the session.

I found out how Natalie feels about money. [While] dating, it didn’t come up. I did notice that she felt a little uncomfortable when we went to an expensive restaurant. But I had no idea that Natalie worries about money, about always having enough.

Asked how this knowledge might impact on their future, Stephen offered:

Me, I kind of like the idea of having a really nice car. But knowing [now] how Natalie feels about money . . . Well, let’s say we need a car. I’ll be fine with a cheaper one if that’ll make Natalie feel better. What we save could go in the bank, or whatever. We’ll talk and figure it out.

Natalie was almost beaming, knowing that her fiancé understood her feelings; feelings that she hadn’t clearly expressed to him before.

“I don’t like talking about money,” Natalie said.

Growing up, there were a lot of arguments. But this was great. It means a lot to know that Stephen is so understanding about something that really concerns me. I wasn’t exactly worried, but I think that money was more on my mind than I realized. I’m so happy that he is willing to work together to save money, even though it isn’t as important to him. I’ll feel more secure, financially, and in our relationship.

Talking about what is important to you, and what your respective values are, won’t guarantee a happy marriage. But such discussions will increase understanding, and likely help you to resolve problems that otherwise might eventually lead to divorce.

Try having a conversation on your own. It can be difficult, but don’t give up. If necessary, outside help (such as from a mediator) is available.

 Image courtesy of pazham at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Workplace Mediation

There can be many causes of conflict in the workplace. A few them include:

● bullying and harassment;

● unfair treatment;

● unclear job responsibilities and expectations;

● insufficient training;

● an increase in the workload;

● lack of appreciation or recognition;

● poor communication; and,

● personality differences.

Many conflicts can be managed or resolved, especially if they are recognized and addressed early.

So why do so many disputes in the workplace go unaddressed?

• It can seem, and actually be easier to avoid issues that are negatively affecting the workplace.

• If you’re a manager or run the company, ignoring certain problems may have little direct impact you. If your employees don’t get along, but you don’t spend much time in the office with them, their conflict may not fully register for you. It may be a case of ‘out of sight, out of mind’.

• You may be aware of conflict, but feel that managing it doesn’t warrant your time or attention.

• You may avoid conflict because you yourself are not comfortable with conflict and anger. Many of us aren’t.

• You may feel that dealing with conflict is not part of your job.

• You may feel that a certain amount of conflict is unavoidable, and consider its presence as a natural part and cost of doing business.

• You may not know how to constructively address conflict. Most people don’t.

Even those managers and business owners who are willing and skilled at managing disputes will not get far in certain instances. For example, situations where, for whatever reason, employees won’t fully discuss matters with someone higher up in the company.

But, those same workers may talk about the issues with an outside party – a mediator – who will keep all conversations confidential.

In mediation, all the parties have a chance to talk. The mediator helps participants to listen to and better understand one another. Being heard – and knowing that they are being heard (and without judgement) – is usually a crucial step for parties along the way to working out disputes.

Workers may learn that they share more common ground than they had realized. Often able to identify problems and knowing how they would like future interactions to be different, employees can come up with practical ways of working together, where both (all) of them can feel more respected.

When there are disagreements, it is important for the disputants to be heard, and without judgement.

In mediation, all of the parties have a chance to talk.

Not dealing with conflict comes with costs, such as:

• Dissatisfied and demoralized employees;

• Dissatisfied customers and vendors, unhappy after dealing with these employees;

• Lower productivity;

• Lower revenues;

• Diminished employee loyalty;

• A damaged reputation;

• Complaints and expensive lawsuits;

• Stress related health issues;

• Greater absenteeism;

• Higher turnover;

• Damaged office equipment; and

• Violence.

You have a business and have been dealing with a particular vendor, distributor, manufacturer, or marketer for years. The relationship has been mutually profitable. It has always run smoothly.

Until now.

After your most recent dealings, you feel that this company has been unfair to your business. Perhaps you feel that this company has acted in a way that is deceptive.

B2B Mediation

What do you do?

Go to court?

That would be expensive and might take years. You can’t wait that long. Plus, you can’t be sure of what the outcome of a lawsuit would be. Additionally, going to court would probably hurt or end the business relationship with this company, and that is not something you want.

Wait and see? Hope that the recent problem was an aberration, and that next time things will be better?

Maybe, if you can afford a reoccurrence.

But what if the action was intentional and a new way that the company is doing business? Are you ready and able to wait for several weeks or months, and then find out whether the action was a one-time thing?

Contact you counterpart at the other company?

Often, this approach will be the most fruitful.

By asking for information in a way that is not confrontational, you may be reassured that the action that you find troubling won’t be repeated.

If you still have concerns after your conversation with the person from the other company, further discussion may prove worthwhile. Learn what you can. Perhaps the other company has had to change its practices.

By explaining what your business needs, and learning what the other company needs, you may be in a position to find options acceptable to both companies that will eliminate the problem in the future.

Perhaps there was a simple misunderstanding, or a single communication wasn’t given or received.

Raising the issue without being accusatory or defensive can be enormously helpful, regardless of how you choose to go forward.

Look to an outside party, such as a mediator?

We all have different skills and activities that we enjoy. Contacting someone at another company, to raise an issue that you wish you didn’t have in the first place, can be unpleasant or intimidating.

You may be angry about a problem. Anger can make it difficult to clearly express ourselves. Calling or meeting with someone when we are angry can not only be unproductive, but even counterproductive. We can strain relationships that we value, and create additional obstacles to working well together.

Managing and resolving conflict are skills that perhaps every business person could benefit from. But, for various reasons, most people don’t have such training and experience.

If you have a B2B conflict, and are not able to successfully start or progress through discussions, B2B Mediation may be a process that you should consider.

In mediation, you can address the matters that concern you and your business, in a way that is faster, less expensive, and more cooperative than going to court. The mediator will help you, the parties, to communicate and have a constructive conversation.

The mediation process encourages the parties to develop options for dealing with conflicts, and the gathering and sharing of information so that you can thoughtfully consider and then choose from among them.

Unlike in court, you, the parties,

Neighbor-Neighbor Disputes

A non-adversarial approach is especially important in neighbor-neighbor disputes, because unless one of you moves away, you’ll still be neighbors, perhaps for years to come.

New York City, where so many of us live, is a vibrant place. Millions of people live here, in a relatively small geographic area. Consider that roughly the same number of people live in New York City’s 5 boroughs, as live in New York State’s other fifty-seven counties.

So it isn’t surprising that conflicts arise. Many of us live in apartment buildings, literally one apartment on top of the next. To varying degrees, we can hear our neighbors’ music and arguments. We may know, without wanting to, what they are having for dinner.

Those living in the same place for a long time, with neighbors whose children have grown up and moved out, may get used to the relative quiet. When these neighbors move out and a family with young children buys or rents the apartment, tensions can arise between the new and longtime residents.

Residents of houses often have similar issues. There can conflicts over barking dogs, trees hanging over a neighbor’s yard, parking spots, throwing parties, and the placement of garbage cans, to name a few.

Most of the time, each neighbor believes that s/he “is in the right.” Therefore, the other person/family is “wrong” and “inconsiderate.” It is easier to see your conflict as a matter of “right and wrong” or “all or nothing,” than to consider the idea that your neighbor may have a different perspective, and one that may have validity.

Seemingly small issues can have big consequences, such as stress, sleeplessness, and fear. They can lead to threatening communication or no communication with neighbors. They can precipitate calls to and visits from the police, even violence.

It is a lousy feeling to not “feel at home” where you are living. Mediation can often improve the situation.

Collaborative Divorce

What Is Collaborative Divorce?

Collaborative divorce is another process to end a marriage respectfully and without litigation.

Like mediation, it is a settlement process where all issues are addressed. However, with a collaborative divorce, you and your spouse each have an attorney representing you.

So, How Is that Different from a 'Regular' Divorce?

All the parties (the spouses/partners and their lawyers) sign an agreement stating that there will be no litigation. Your time, energy and money are spent working on finding mutually satisfactory agreements that will allow you to get on with your lives.

But What if One of Us Changes His/Her Mind?

If a spouse initiates litigation, the collaborative divorce terminates. Both lawyers would be required to withdraw their representation, and new attorneys could be hired.

Why Bother Trying in the First Place, if We Might End Up Litigating Anyway?

The large majority of people who begin the Collaborative Divorce process complete it successfully, and there is no litigation.

Please see the FAQ's Collaborative Divorce page for more information.

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Copyright 2011 Lee Chabin, Mediation Services. All rights reserved.